Why I Chose to Write Letters to Family When Going No-Contact

A few years ago, I found out some shocking things about a very close family member that made it clear to me that I was going to have to end the relationship. These were things that were so extreme that I simply had no interest in any kind of further engagement.

At the time, I was in therapy and struggling to make the decision as to whether or not I should write a letter to explain to this person why I was cutting contact. So, I did what I always do and I looked it up online to see what mental health professionals and other people in this situation had to say about it.

What I found was actually quite surprising to me. Almost all of the advice I found suggested that you should NOT write the letter. Many of them said to go ahead and write the letter, but just do it as a form of journaling and then throw it away when finished. Others claimed that if you try to explain yourself to this person, it will just backfire and they will just twist things and end up having more ammunition to use against you. Some people said that if you write the letter, you might find yourself hoping for a very specific outcome from the person, and you will most likely just be disappointed. All of these reasons made sense to me and I took the time to really consider each of them.

I can see why this advice works for a lot of people and their own personal experiences but I realized pretty quickly that these people weren't ME. They didn't have my exact set of unique circumstances, personality, or brain they had to live with.

And when it came down to it, I decided that writing a letter was what I personally really WANTED to do. I wanted to write an actual letter to this person and not a throw-in-the-garbage-after-you-write-it kind of letter.

So, I did a lot of digging with my therapist (and my husband) to try to sort out my reasons for wanting to do it and realized they were mixed. It wasn't just a quick one and done sort of reason, but multi-layered and multi-faceted. And yes, some of the reasons were probably not the best (a desire to be understood or validated by this person and a desire for them to see their harmful behaviors), but I prepared myself mentally for the disappointments that would most likely follow because I felt like some of the reasons I had for wanting to do it were actually pretty strong.

For one, I had had a very deep relationship with this person and felt like it just wouldn't make sense in our situation if I didn't explain things to them. It just made the most rational sense to me. I value honest communication and felt that (on a simple human-to-human level) clarifying my reasons was the most reasonable thing to do for all involved. (I know this wouldn't apply for every situation, but it did for me.)

I also felt like not using my voice in this situation would be a bit of a betrayal to ME. I felt like I deserved to be able to share my perspective, even if they were just going to twist my words or use them against me.

At the end of the day, I just really wanted to do it for ME and my own brain and my own form of closure so that when I looked back on this moment in time, I could say to myself that I said what I wanted to say before I closed the door.

So, I wrote the letter and I'm glad I did. (I do have to point out that I didn't feel like I was in any real danger by doing so and wouldn't have done it otherwise).

It was long and it was detailed and it was nothing like the experts (or my husband) would have recommended it to be, but it was ME and it was real and it was honest.

Yes, there were moments that I did second guess myself after the fact, and yes, my words were misunderstood and twisted, but I'm still glad I did it.

It was the right call for me.

I have looked back so many times over the years and have just felt so much peace knowing that I didn't just silence my own voice. It has also helped to calm down the guilt gremlin when it pokes out its head every now and then.

It worked for me then and is working for me again, years later as I have had to do it again with another family member. This situation is a bit different, as it has been more of a confusing and slower recognition of a pattern of mistreatment that has taken place over the course of many years, but my reasons for wanting to write a letter this time are the same and I'm glad I did it again in this situation. (And yes, my words were most likely twisted and misunderstood, but that's okay. I have accepted the parts I can't control.)

So, I think the moral of the story here is that we have to do what is best for us personally. We don't always know what that is, but we get to be the one to figure it out. We get to be the one to consider all angles and then make the best decision we can at the time we are making it and just hope for the best. (And then have compassion for ourselves if we end up regretting it later.) :)

Here's to healing and hope.

We got this!

With love,

from Julia