Third Arrow Suffering

The other day, I was talking with a person in my life who is currently going through a painful breakup. This friend and I have often talked about the concept of second arrow suffering. (If you haven't heard of this buddhist idea, you can just look up "second arrow suffering" and you'll find all kinds of commentary on it, but the simple idea is that the unwanted experience and unconscious response represents the first arrow, but any suffering after that is basically unnecessary, second arrow suffering.)

My friend lamented about the fact that he knew he was adding some second arrow suffering to his own experience through this breakup, which made him feel frustrated at his own response.

It got me thinking.

Is the fear and frustration over his own reaction to his second arrow suffering actually causing more suffering?

Perhaps even a third arrow?

We are human.

When we go through difficult things in life, most of us will also inevitably go through a process that will include some level of second arrow suffering.

It's normal and nothing to feel shame about.

And when we shame ourselves for going through this very real human reaction, we really are creating a whole new level of suffering that can create an ongoing loop and spiral that simply isn't helpful. I talk about this a little bit in this post here.

So, what do we do about it?

There are probably no perfect answers here, but these are a few of the things I try to do for myself when I am in this place.

First, I try to show myself some radical self-compassion as I go through the tough things in life.

I try to be as gentle and kind as a compassionate mother would be to a young child that is hurting.

I try to validate all of my feelings and allow myself to really feel them all.

I remind myself that it's ok to feel hurt, angry, and confused and that it's even normal to create stories around my experience that may or not be true.

It's ok.

It's normal.

We are not robots.

We are human.

Second arrow suffering is NORMAL.

I allow myself to feel all the feelings (with careful attention not to lash out onto others in the process) and work through these feelings with my tools like journaling, DBT tools, music, talk therapy, walking, etc. This usually helps me avoid the spiral of any kind of third arrow suffering because I have decided to not shame myself for the second arrow suffering.

Once I've done this for as long as it takes and as many times as it takes, my brain and nervous system eventually seem to calm down enough to move through healing and processing in healthy ways that include self awareness and correction.

The key, for me, is to have radical self-compassion through all of it.

The key, for me, is to have radical self-compassion through all of it.

Every step of the way.

Again, we are humans, not robots.

Here's to healing and hope.

We got this!

With love,

from Julia