It's been a while since I've written anything here. I've actually been doing pretty well and just haven't felt the need to say anything. I've been feeling pretty good about all my healing and coping tools and even decided to take a break from therapy so I can practice riding my bike without the training wheels for a while.
The reason I decided to pop back on here for a minute is because I had an interaction with family members that I wanted to share that sort of ties in a bit to my last post.
So here's what happened, long story short...
(Sorry grammar police, this one's going to be conversational.)
Had a difficult visit with my mother and felt pretty sad and heartbroken afterwards.
The next day, got included in a family thread that was pushing some pain buttons pretty hard about my mother.
Asked if I could be removed from the email list when these particular things are being handled and discussed.
Got a call from a family member that was in that thread.
The call went pretty well at first, and I felt safe enough to explain where I was coming from and why this particular email thread was difficult for me.
Felt validated through the initial process.
Felt comfortable allowing myself to show my real feelings of sadness about the visit with my mom.
Then things took a turn...
Half way through the conversation, the family member began to use spiritual language to try and help me feel better. (I really do think they meant well.)
I won't get into the details of what was said, but words and ideas were expressed in ways that I'm just not comfortable with right now.
It felt like a pretty clear example of spiritual bypassing to me.
So I got angry.
I mean, I got really angry.
I raised my voice, and spoke over this family member in a way that made it completely clear that this type of conversation just wasn't going to work for me. (We've had similar conversations in the past, so this person knows where I'm at with spiritual trauma, which is why I think my inner protector kicked into high gear.)
Honestly, it wasn't my finest moment.
Looking back, I wish I would have been a bit more careful to share my feelings without being so verbally assertive. I apologized about that and have reflected on the reasons why I became so dysregulated in that moment and have made mental notes on ways I can improve in the future.
I owned my part in this conversation, but I won't apologize for my right to honor my own needs in that moment.
Spiritual trauma is a very real and painful thing for some of us.
I'm not ok with being told that I "shouldn't" feel sad or upset about something that is completely valid to be upset about or that I am only suffering because I'm not "healed" or "enlightened" enough.
Yeah, no thank you.
Life happens.
Tough things happen.
Heartbreak happens.
Cruelty happens.
Ignorance happens.
Abuse happens.
Neglect happens.
And it makes sense that we're going to feel big feelings when these things come up.
When people use spiritual language to try to help me "feel better" it really just makes me feel worse. It makes me feel like it's my fault for having real feelings about real pain.
I'm done with that narrative.
That way of thinking can be so incredibly damaging to a person doing the work to heal from trauma. It just adds yet another layer of shame to our brain that is just trying to find peace.
I will continue to do the work to show up in ways that ARE in my control, but I will not ignore the fact that we live in a world that is full of all kinds of things that we can't control or make sense of with simple spiritual or philosophical platitudes.
Because yes, sometimes I need to cry about my parents and what they did without being told that I'm wrong about it for some reason.
And here's to the serenity prayer for the win, yet again.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
Here's to healing and hope!
We got this!
Love,
Julia
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