Wait. What?
I saw this quote on a support group forum today that was written by a fellow trauma survivor.
It's a somewhat popular buddhist quote attributed to Haruki Murakami that seems to have been given a final stamp of approval and maybe even twisted and distorted a bit by a lot of people who like to shout it from the rooftops as if it's the real deal, honest-to-goodness Truth with a capital T.
Maybe you've seen it before, as well. The quote goes something like this:
PAIN IS INEVITABLE, SUFFERING IS OPTIONAL
And yeah, at first glance, it makes total sense when you look at through the lens of second arrow suffering.
There is definitely some truth to this concept and I'm guessing that people are actually just misusing it (which happens all the time).
We definitely CAN make our lives worse in many ways and we definitely CAN create extra and unnecessary suffering
but,
does this mean that ALL suffering is optional?
Really?
Let's take a step back here.
This sounds a LOT like more gaslighting to a trauma survivor (and anyone for that matter).
I call BS on it.
This sounds like,
"I'm sorry you feel pain from this painful thing that happened to you, but really, it's just your fault that you're allowing yourself to suffer and feel this pain you shouldn't feel."
What in the crazy world is this?
Why are people accepting and distorting this?
Can you see how disrespectful and ignorant this is to trauma survivors?
The actual reality is that if pain is inevitable, then some amount of suffering is going to be as well.
If you are a human being with natural and normal human feelings and you are experiencing the ups and downs of life, then you are going to feel pain AND you are going to suffer sometimes.
It's just the reality of being human.
Let's stop accepting these types of blanket statements as truth.
Now, I am NOT saying that we don't sometimes create our own suffering.
Of course we do.
I certainly cause my own suffering sometimes in my life and I am working hard to notice where this happens.
It takes effort and intention to notice these things in ourselves,
but let's stop believing that suffering, itself, is always our fault.
It is ok if you experience suffering from the tough things in life.
It's ok.
This is normal.
You are actually creating more suffering if you shame yourself for suffering.
This quote itself can create second-arrow, unnecessary suffering because it can feel so shaming.
If you are a trauma survivor and you are working to heal your brain and your life, don't let this kind of messaging sink in.
People who say this kind of thing are privileged to be in a place where they can believe it's true.
People who say this kind of thing are privileged to be in a place where they can believe it's true.
But, if you have experienced deep and lasting pain for any number of reasons, you know something different about life.
You know there are some things we can control and some things we can not.
Honor yourself and what you have been through.
Don't shame yourself for suffering.
Remind yourself that it is ok if you still suffer from the effects of the pain that was handed to you.
It's ok.
It's also ok to recognize that, yes, we do sometimes make things worse for ourselves and yes, we can gently do the work to make changes, but let's not allow this ignorant messaging to stick with us.
Here's to healing and hope!
We got this!
Love,
Julia
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