Forgiveness is a complicated and messy topic for a trauma survivor. Many of us were taught that it was our job to forgive our abusers no matter what. We were told that forgiveness meant that we needed to absolve the abuser of the abuse, let it go, and restore a positive relationship. We were told that if we didn't do this then we were just as wrong as the abuser.
I was personally told that I needed to "soften my heart" - which basically meant that I needed to allow the abuse to continue and stop calling it out.
Later, as I began to deconstruct this framing around the concept of forgiveness, I found myself in spaces with trauma survivors that were desperately trying to make sense of it and find a way to make peace with a word that has been used to control and manipulate victims for way too long.
I began to see new definitions show up that felt more honoring and honest to these people.
These new framings around forgiveness were as varied and unique as the victims themselves and I was happy to see that people were finding ways to think of it in ways that were leading them to greater peace and personal healing, without bypassing their own needs.
These new framings around forgiveness were as varied and unique as the victims themselves and I was happy to see that people were finding ways to think of it in ways that were leading them to greater peace and personal healing, without bypassing their own needs.
This, in my opinion, is the goal.
The interesting thing, however, is that I am now starting to see a new dominant narrative creep into these spaces that seems to be the new way victims are now "supposed to" look at forgiveness. We have gone from the earlier phrases like "you should always forgive" and" forgiveness is for you" to words like "forgiveness is a myth" and "the concept of forgiveness is unhealthy for a survivor."
One licensed psychologist even said that people need to STOP trying to redefine forgiveness and let the concept go altogether. He basically said that people are just brainwashed into thinking they have to forgive in any way and that what we really need to do is just get it out of our heads. He then began to scold trauma survivors in his comments section for framing forgiveness in a way that was different than his viewpoint.
I find this to be incredibly invalidating and harmful to survivors of abuse.
This is just another way that we are being told to get in line and follow a prescribed protocol.
It reminds me that we don't have to agree with someone just because they have a fancy degree to back up their opinions.
My own personal experience and perspective is what matters most for my life and if I want to redefine forgiveness and still consider a form of it to be an important part of my recovery, then I get to do that.
This doesn't mean that I'm going to ignore the fact that abusers love to use the concept of forgiveness to manipulate victims. I can see this as being an important thing we need to be aware of and not buy into.
I certainly do understand why people are challenging the original narrative, but is it really all that helpful for these trauma space leaders to now tell trauma survivors the new ways they "should" be thinking about and doing things?
I don't think so.
And no, I'm not a licensed psychologist, and no, I don't have a hopping Instagram account, but I am a human being and a trauma survivor with my own life to navigate and I'm here to tell you that my particular brain, where it is right now, needs to redefine forgiveness in order to make peace with it.
I personally need to do that.
Yes, there could be some deep conditioning in there that I haven't deconstructed yet, but ok. I still have to work with this particular brain that I have right now and if it says that I need to redefine it, that's what I'm going to do.
And I happen to think that every single trauma survivor gets to do the same, without feeling any pressure or guilt from anyone.
Nobody gets to tell us how we should heal.
Nobody.
Not a psychologist, coach, mentor, advocate, church leader, friend, family member, social media influencer, or author.
No one.
We get to decide what the path of healing looks like for us personally, every single day of our lives.
The ultimate goal for me is to have as much peace as I can and I'm going to do that in whatever ways make the most sense to me and my brain as it is right now.
Here's to healing and hope!
We got this!
Love,
Julia
As a side note, my current process around forgiveness is to:
first, simply accept and name the reality of what happened,
then, establish a sense of personal safety and peace,
then when I feel safe and ready
work to let go of any power my abusers have over my life and let go of my need for them to change or repair in order for me to live my own beautiful life.
In other words, take care of my own well-being and let go of the things I can't control.
Even this process takes a lot of time and definitely some twists and turns, but at least it's a direction I try to go.
I will NEVER say the abuse was ok or that I need to allow the abuser in my life in any way whatsoever.
This framing may change over time, but it's where I'm at today.
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