There was a period of time in my life when I thought I would never feel joy again. The compounding grief and pain I had collected from years of suffering with chronic illness, combined with the childhood trauma, religious trauma, and social, financial, and career losses we were facing were all just too much to handle.
It took everything I had to just get myself to the therapist's office. I would sit and stare out the window as she tried to help me through it all in the best ways she knew how.
For a long time, I just didn't feel much of anything and the usual "tools" for depression weren't even coming close to helping. I tried everything I could think of but nothing was really moving the needle.
One day, she suggested I try to start doing things that used to bring me joy, even if I didn't feel like doing them anymore. At first the idea seemed pointless, but then I decided to reconsider.
What did I have to lose?
What would it hurt to at least try?
I eventually and cautiously began to dip my toe into the possibility.
In the beginning, I was really just going through the motions and didn't actually feel the joy that I used to feel while doing these activities.
I simply dabbled over time by doing things like
playing a little piano,
writing some songs,
watching some comedy with my family,
painting some landscapes,
reading inspirational books,
walking in nature,
decorating for holidays,
and setting some beautiful tablescapes.
These were all just actions, without results.
But, eventually something hopeful began to emerge.
Every once in a while, the desired feelings would show up, if only for a moment.
I would catch a small glimpse of what it felt like to feel joy again.
The feeling would scare me at first and I would quickly go back to my grayish brown baseline.
Little by little, however, the little glimmers of hope began to add up and I started to see in color more and more.
I can't say there was ever an arrival point, but I can say that I was truly able to see gradual change.
I was eventually able feel authentic joy on a more consistent basis.
I don't claim to have life figured out, but I can say that this worked for me at that time and has continued to be a tool I return to when grief and sadness show up for me again.
It is my hope that we can all find tools to help us through the challenges of life. We all carry such a unique load and it truly is up to us to find ways that work for us individually.
One baby step at a time.
Here's to healing and hope!
We got this!
Love,
Julia
I recognize that depression can be very complicated and real and that it is a privilege to even have access to many of the tools for healing, which is why I will always support the people who are doing the work to advocate for and help people who are hurting. If you are in crisis at this time, please find help and take baby steps in any way you can. Sending so much love.
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